I was wrong

When I started working with children at the young age of 16, I had ideas about how I would be as a mom. I dreamt that I would wear an apron and serve cereal with toast and jelly and orange juice every morning before breakfast. I told myself I would help with their homework every night and make sure they always made it to school on time. I knew that other people would be jealous because my kids were the well behaved ones in the grocery store or in the restaurant. When I had Victoria, all my dreams were coming true. People really did come up in stores and say, "What a good baby!" I was so proud that I was such a good mom that I had a perfect child. I gave it another go and had Jacob. Then something happened. This was not the motherhood I had dreamed about. He cried constantly. If I put him down he would scream as if I was ripping a limb off. People in stores and restaurants were trying to get us banned from ever coming back. How could I go from one end of the spectrum to the other? "Maybe he will grow out of it," I would lie to myself. I knew there was something wrong with him. I remember him being 8 months old, and I knew something was not right. As he got older, I noticed more and more wrong with him. We couldn't take him out to eat because he would last no more than 10 minutes and start causing chaos. Anytime we went to the grocery stores he would zip up and down the isles touching EVERYTHING. He babbled on and on and on and on for hours about nonsense. He would pour out any liquid and make messes in any room he jetted into. I was so tired of cleaning all the time that some of the messes I would leave for days just because I didn't want to deal with it. He was also very quick to anger as if he was not in control of his emotions. "I just need to be patient and love him more," were more lies I tried to believe. Before he was to go to big school, I thought that surely he will change because it will be more structure. That was not the case at all. I started getting phone calls 3 weeks into school! I was so embarrassed and humiliated that he continued to act this way. People started telling me that maybe he should be on medication. "No, ADHD is over-diagnosed and over-medicated," would be my reply. "The parents just need to be more strict. We can't solve all the problems with medication. Plus, I don't want him to be a zombie and I don't want him to miss out on his full potential." And we pushed forward. Week after week I was getting notes home from the teacher: "Jacob hit again." "Jacob refused to do work." "Jacob can no longer play with scissors." He was a terrible kid and I knew the teachers and other parents were blaming me. I was supposed to be a perfect mother with perfect children and he is ruing that!!!!! I was angry and resentful towards him. People were looking at me and wondering why my kid was acting up all the time. I started questioning why God would give me such a horrible little kid that was making me question my sanity on an hourly basis. I cringed every time the phone rang and it was the school. Finally, I had had enough. He was the way he was and I was to blame. He wasn't a horrible kid...it had to be that I was a horrible mom. I could take no more. This little boy needed some major help. So, I decided to get to a doctor and ask for help. I was still a little bit leery of medicating a 6 year old boy but I was all out of options. I truly felt in my heart that I had done all I can. I finally found a doctor that listened to my pleas for my child. I was in tears as I told him story after story and incident after incident. He agreed that there was something wrong but that it wasn't ADHD alone. He said he had a lot of symptoms of childhood depression. We started Jacob on a low dose antidepressant and an ADHD med. I told myself that even if it helped a little bit that was good enough for me. But it didn't help a little bit...it helped a lot. We can go to stores and out to eat. We can sit down and read a story. I have had to only clean a few messes. He is quiet and doesn't talk like it's going out of style. He is more loving, more focused and more calm. I feel like it is a whole different kid. He needed medical help this entire time. My thought process about medicating children was completely misguided. I was wrong. I thought I could fix him but I couldn't. No one could. It's not something any parent can fix. There is something wrong with the firing in his brain. People that knew him before and see him now notice a new kid. I have always loved him but now I can truly enjoy him. He is an amazing kid and I am getting fantastic reports on a daily basis from his teacher. This is awesome!!! My house is no longer one of anger and screaming and spanking and yelling. We are a hugging, kissing, 'I love you' kind of family. I don't want to rip my hair out every day like I used to!!! I know that he will be okay and that is all I ever wanted for him. I love my life as his mommy and as Victoria's mommy! I thank God for giving me these two children. They are perfect in my eyes!!!