My Angel Victoria

I have written a post about Jacob and thought that I should write something about Victoria. My angel. She is truly a gift from God. I look at her and think about how much she has changed my life. I never knew love til I looked at her only a few minutes old. She was so tiny and helpless. She needed me for everything and I needed her for everything. I was only 25 and didn't really know what I was doing. I remember the first time she got sick and I rushed her to the ER and all she had was the flu. But she didn't cry. I thought, "Why is she acting so normal?" It wasn't until years later I figured out her pain tolerance was really high. I still don't understand it. When she had her tonsils out, adenoids out, and tubes put in both ears, she didn't cry. An hour after surgery, she was jumping off the couch and talking and asking for a corn dog! It was like nothing had ever happened. She sometimes faints from breath holding spells and she will wake right up and act perfectly fine. She will get huge blisters on the back of her heel and not mention it for days. She is really a tough little girl. On top of being tough, she is also very intelligent. Only in first grade at 7 years old, she is reading at a 6th grade level. The schools keep testing her to see how advanced she really is and she keeps blowing them away. She is also excelling in math. I am so very proud of her.

One more thing. She has the kindest spirit. We always say that she has on old soul....she reminds me of my great grandmother Memaw. She loves to take care of people. Especially her Jacob. She is gentle and has a sixth sense when someone is hurting. Victoria will definitely go into a profession where she takes care of people. She is caring and sensitive. I love her with all my heart. I am so blessed that God decided to give her to me, even though sometimes I don't feel like I deserve her. I hope she forgives me for everything I have done wrong in her life and I hope she knows that I will spend my lifetime trying to make up for it the best way I can. She is beautiful...inside and out. I am in awe at the wonderful little girl she has become. My darling Victoria.

Letting it go...

I had court recently which left me with a bucket full of emotions. The hardest thing was sitting in that court room with him-the one who I refer to as Satan. It was almost as if there was a chill in the air as he glared me down when I sat on the stand. I had to look once more at the pictures of the bruises and I had to look over the threatening text messages. It brought tears to my eyes. Not because I miss him or still love him or anything like that, but because I remember the feeling I had. I never want to feel that helpless again. I don't even know that girl anymore. She died that day. That was the me who didn't smile, didn't laugh, didn't care. The other thing that happened that day is all of the hate came back. My soul was screaming at him through my tight lips and whispered voice. "How dare you treat me that bad! You should rot in hell for what you did!" It took all I had not to say something. It's hard not to hate his family for what they do. I don't want to hate them. Hate creates bitterness in your heart. My heart has no room for that. I have to remind myself that God will deal with all of them as He sees fit. I need to think about the things I have that he doesn't. He has all this money and a nice truck and tons of nice things...I have the kids. He will never know love like I know love with Mike. He will never be truly happy. I will be happy for the rest of my life. I love that the kids can see me happy now. They see their mom laugh, smile, and love. I am okay now. I can let it go. I can be at peace. My life has so many more riches that he can't buy with all the money in the world. We have a wonderful God who has given us the ability to choose to forgive. I forgive him. I forgive them. But that doesn't mean I am going to let them hurt me again. They are removed from my head. From this moment on, I live free of all of it. I appreciate all the prayers and the well wishes. My life begins now!!!!