Ode to Love

Today is Valentines Day. On this day we celebrate the ones who love us and the ones we love. I remember being single and hating Valentines Day because I always felt like I would never find someone to celebrate it with. Truth is, I was jealous of everyone else. Looking back on those times, I find that I was very selfish. I hated when people got flowers at work and when someone would tell me about the romance that was in store for them. I couldn't be happy for anyone else while I was feeling completely sorry for myself. Now I know that all I had to do was wait(which is something I am not very good at). True love for me was right around the corner. I had to get my heart right first in order to find that love. I had to realize I was worth more. I had to realize what my passions were and more importantly who I really was on the inside. I had to face hard times in order to appreciate what I was given. I was looking for that unconditional love but the truth is I had unconditional love from God all along. I had to just open my eyes. When I truly began to trust in Him, he brought a new chapter to my life. Everything I had asked for was in Mike. I love him for all that he is and all that he can be. I love how his life was completely changed and he just rolled with it. I love how he looks at me like I mean everything to him and it makes me feel good to know that someone adores me like that. He encourages me in ways no one has ever done before. I love this love we have for each other. I love that the strength of it can't simply be broken. I love to be a part of this journey with him. I know that we will be together for a very long time and I am thankful that I am loved beyond measure. God is oh so good. I love you bunny!!

My dearest BFF

I am a lucky girl. I have a true best friend. She is the kind of best friend that most people dream about. I have known her for 4 years and have only talked to her once. How is that, you ask? Let me explain. My best friend is named Melissa. She lives in Arkansas and we met on an online network for moms. From the moment we emailed, we had this crazy connection. We have so much in common. One thing we have in common is we hate talking on the phone. So, we text often and email on Facebook. I trust Mel with all my secrets and I even trust her enough to give her my login and passwords of Facebook and blogger! How many people can you trust like that? I sure am not a trusting person but with her I am. She is the strongest woman I know as well. All in all, she is one amazing chick. Mel,I love you dearly and I am so blessed to have you as my BFF. Thank you for fixing my blog page as it looks amazing!!!:)

The Elephant in the Room

So, I am not sure when (or quite frankly HOW) but I gained a massive amount of weight. A year and a half ago I was of normal size and now I am not. Sure, I could say it's because I quit smoking, or I am stressed, or I am now in a loving relationship, but the truth is I just gave up. I was chowin down on all the foods I shouldn't have and I just didn't care. Candy is a passion of mine and I proved that over Christmas by eating an entire bag that my dad gave me (thanks dad!!) all in one day. You know what's funny? I am now bigger than my twin sister, which has NEVER EVER been the case. What's even more funny is that no one said anything to me. I realized it by looking at her change clothes and I said, "Mom, I think Chrissy is skinnier than me." To which my mom replied, "Oh yeah, we've all seen that." Why couldn't any one say anything? Not that I mind. I know what I did to myself and now I am taking actions to get back to where I am comfortable. I am not an angry chunky person who would get their feelings hurt. I like honesty. It would have helped if someone said something after I gained 15 pounds, something like, "Hey Kat, you might not want to get that fourth piece of pie. It is starting to show." I wonder why things like that are taboo amongst families. It would have been nice. But no one said anything. And now, when we are all around, I feel like it is the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. "I can't believe Kathi has gained all that weight. Shhhh....don't say anything, here she comes with a hand full of candy." I'll be the first one to show how ridiculous I look while doing Zumba and laugh at the thought of the people behind me who get to see what a Mexican booty looks like. Oh well. What's done is done. Now all I can do is get my real body back. I seemed to have stuffed it underneath the fried foods and the pounds of candy I inhaled over the year. Life was much easier in my early twenties when my metabolism was so high a whole pizza couldn't stick on me. Now, one lick makes me gain 5 pounds. Here is to the new year and the new me who refuses to be the elephant that is in the room!!!

My anger and vengence.....

Today I learned that my ex's mother is telling my children that their dad and I are no longer together because I hit him. Me. I hit him. Really. A little girl beat up a 6'5" man. I am so astonished that there are people in this world that would harm children by telling them lies. These people have now decided to go to church and listen to Christian music but they sit there and lie about what happened? He was a very abusive man the 6 years we were together. I even have emails and proof about what happened in our "living arrangement." I can't believe my kids have to listen to such nonsense. I never speak ill of their father. I don't talk about what happened in that house. When the kids start asking questions, I ask them what they remember. And, sure enough, they remember exactly what it was like. In my eyes, those people will never be "good Christian people." They will always be liars and manipulators. I know in my heart that they will only hurt themselves in the long run. I know that the kids will realize these lies as they get older and I can only hope that they will see these people for what they are. I discovered that my life is so much better than theirs (probably because I am not weighed down by guilt or karma). I try not to hate them but it is a constant struggle. All I can do is sit back and make sure my children know the truth. No matter how much you go to church, listen to Christian music, or put on a show for people, God will always know your true heart. He sees the evil that lies within them. He knows what happened in that house. He was there with me as I endured it all. And, He is with me now as I struggle to not lash out at them. I hope and pray that they will one day realize the damage that they are doing to the children they claim to love.

2010

Some really cool things happened in 2010 and I can only hope that 2011 is as good or better! So, here is how everything went down for me:
1. I started school with the thought that I was going for sonography. I quickly changed my mind and decided to pursue a career in Speech Pathology. I knew it would be a long road but I was ready for the challenge. Much to my surprise, I liked school! I even did better than I thought I would!
2. My boyfriend and best friend, Michael Troche, moved in next door. I can't imagine my life without him. He helps me through so much and I am so grateful that God brought us together.
3. Jacob started Kindergarten and it didn't go smoothly. Unfortunately, he had some rough months but I think he is getting the hang of it. He is just so active!!!! He really does teach me patience!
4. Victoria started 2nd grade. Of course school is going great for her because she is extremely smart. She even figured out who's paper not to cheat off of. She is very head strong and has learned that it irritates mom if she always has the last word. See? I told ya she was smart.
5. I started a new job in July. Well, kind of. I went back to a recent place of employment called Norman Vision Source. I love the doctors there and they are more flexible with my school schedule. I do not dread going to work every day which is an absolute bonus!!

So far, 2010 was a fantastic year. I had more good days than bad and that is something I haven't been able to say in a very long time. This upcoming year is already looking awesome so I am excited to be living it!! I hope everyone else has a great year as well! To God be the glory!!!!!!!

How amazing is His love....

Two years ago today I was punched in the face by the man who was legally my husband. I had a feeling of worthlessness and despair. I cried out to God saying, "Why me? Why did this happen?" I was scared at how I was going to support myself and two children. I couldn't think straight and didn't know what to do. I remember sitting in the hallway, sobbing uncontrollably at the thought of my future. In my mind, I was to be alone forever; I was never going to find love. I talked to a lady who had gone through a similar thing and she gave me many words of encouragement. She allowed me to cry and comforted me by telling me God had a plan for my life and it will all make sense one day. I remember the week that followed like it was yesterday. I remember all the lies he told me, about how I will never be able to make it without him or that no one else will want me. But the truth is God wanted me. God carried me through the next year, through the ups and downs, through the happy and the sad. Last year I came to terms with my future. I was already doing everything my abuser said I couldn't and I was finally happy with who I was. I was ready to love because I had finally loved myself. On May 19th, I awoke from a dead sleep with one thought on my mind: to find Mike. I found him on myspace and sent him a message and went back to bed forgetting all about it. When he responded, I was instantly attracted. We fell in love shortly after we met. We flew back and forth for a while and in January he quit his job and decided to move here. How strange is it that the apartment right next door to me just so happened to be available. That my friend is called a God thing. The wonderful lady who encouraged me was right...all of it made sense. I look back and am thankful that God gave me an out. My life is rich beyond wealth and I am so glad to be living it. I give praise to God for all he has done for me and I am thankful to Mike for being a part of my life. He makes it much more enjoyable.
I guess this story really only has one meaning. You may be going through hard times. You may be wondering why things are happening. Well, God has a plan. One day it will all make sense. I love looking back and thinking to myself, "Aha. So that's why." It makes me smile. I am sure He is smiling to. These past two years have been good to me. I have wonderful friends and a loving family, and let's not forget Mike, who is my better half and whom I love and cherish daily. Gods amazing love brought me through hell on earth to a wonderful heaven on earth. It's an amazing love He has for each and every one of us.

I want a REAL church...

I have been on a mission for quite some time. A mission to find a REAL church. I went to a church today and it truly made me sad. It had all the bells and whistles. Beautiful interior, beautiful exterior, and a great layout. The sanctuary was breathtaking, and the music they sang was moving. But, when the preacher got up to preach, all I saw was smoke and mirrors. There was no preaching. He cited one verse in the bible and then proceeded to talk about what is going on in the news. It got towards the end and this point he was literally screaming into a microphone while the congregation was standing to their feet clapping and throwing their hands towards the sky. My question is, who were they really praising this morning? The pastor went on to give some elaborate alphabetical names of Jesus, but did so in an "emotional hype" way that I couldn't hear him over the hooting and hollering of the people. Now, that may be fine for some, but I want to hear the teachings of God. I want to hear the word and hear someone who has studied it. I feel like we as Christians need to hear what the bible really says between the words. I felt like all I got today was a top bun, a bottom bun, and no meat. I had visited a church a couple of months ago that I found to be exciting without the yelling. So I believe that is where I shall go. I need the meat with the buns, thank you.